God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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