i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
where are you?
Hypothermia
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
