I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
