Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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