you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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