I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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