My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize