pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
wanna go halves on a baby?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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