it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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