Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
