i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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