why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
