I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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