Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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