Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
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