I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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