I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
