if only i could text you this smell
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
