He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
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