she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
