I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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