Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize