i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
