You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize