I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
