if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
