i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
