cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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