There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
