She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
