Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
