He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
