I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The best revenge is premature balding
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I made him laugh his dick is mine
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
