You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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