i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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