Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
