Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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