You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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