Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize