come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Pooping to opera.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
