Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
