this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
