a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
