the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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