dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
