Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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