We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
