My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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