why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
