I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
