o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
