i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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