We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
