Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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