i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
