I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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