party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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