In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
